"Signs" isn't the movie you think it is.

I'm no great fan of the alien invasion flick, "Signs", but I was surprised to find that my friends and I had very different interpretations. Not just about theme, directorial intent or whatever, but about the actual plot. So I decided to lay out for everyone what I thought was going on in this movie. I have no idea if this is the story Shyamalan was really telling, but you can see which fits the facts better. Hope this isn't too long!

Short recap for those who - Mel Gibson lives with his family in a remote farm in America. Crop circles appear, weird intruders start menacing his family, aliens appear over major cities everwhere, Gibson decides to barricade himself in his home while aliens concentrate on his specific house for some reason. In the end, blunt force trauma saves the day!

One of the major criticisms of "Signs" is that the aliens are stupid, and inconsistently so. Despite their advanced technology, they've apparently come a-conquering without bringing any weapons. And they set their sights on a planet they're allergic to, where poison falls from the sky. You see, these aliens are the melt-in-your-mouth kind, and water dissolves them in no time flat. These guys don't seem to think ahead much. We won't need Will Smith and a computer virus to deal with them, a few rednecks with bats and squirt guns will get the job done! Truly, they are the Wet Bandits of alien invaders.

Now, the title "Signs" refers to crop circles, which we all know have been around for decades, and a news broadcast in the movie backs this up. So it was aliens who started this practice (and maybe hoaxers copied them later), which tells us something important; they've been here before. All this water couldn't have come as a surprise. A civilisation capable of long-range space travel is probably not going to try colonising a planet that's uninhabitable to them.

Even if Earth was the only option for some reason, why would they start venturing on to such a hostile planet in the nude, without so much as a pointy stick to ward off big dogs? They've apparently mastered interstellar travel, but haven't gotten around to inventing pants.

So what is going on here? Well, would it surprise you if I told you that you never actually saw any aliens in "Signs"?

To be more accurate, you never saw the aliens that piloted those ships, and ruined crops all over the world. So then "what did Joaquin Phoenix beat the crap out of?", I hear you ask.

A raccoon.

Ok, not a raccoon-raccoon, but a space-raccoon! No, not him. But a wild animal, a scavenger or pack hunter. The movie certainly wants you to think that they're one and the same, with repeated newscasts showing shots of the ships intercut with sketches of Greys, that picture book with the disturbingly accurate picture of their house being vaporised by a flying saucer, etc. However, if you consider that there are two types of alien in "Signs", all that bizarre behaviour starts to make sense.

What do we see the "ship" aliens do? Well, they've observed our planet in secret for years, and even made attempts to contact us by leaving messages. That's a nice low-impact strategy, especially if you think that this primitive species might get violent or freak the hell out. You don't even have to meet the humans face-to-face (or face-to-beak maybe). Just leave the most easily deciphered "Hello" you can manage, like the Arecibo Message. Unfortunately, the consensus among humans is that this chicken-scratch was done by other humans. Dangit, Occam's Razor strikes again!

So these aliens decide to up the ante a little with passive, but unmistakable, visitation. They arrive en mass, leave dozens of messages all over the globe, and reveal themselves above the most populated cities. Hard to chalk this one up as a hoax! And after revealing themselves, they do nothing at all. They just sit there, making no threatening moves, nothing that us panicky primitives could interpret as hostile.

Sounds good, right? Give the ape-men plenty of time to get used to them before opening talks, or appearing in person. Conclusive, but non-violent. Almost worthy of the Prime Directive.

Sadly, the movie never tells us how closely the spacemen were watching us, and if they were aware of the meltdown humanity was having below them. I like to think their Captain was relaxing with his favourite beverage ("Tea, Earl Grey, Hot") when his First Officer brought him the latest human newscasts to peruse:

"...actual footage of the alien invaders."

"What?"

"I must warn our viewers that these images are disturbing."

"Wait, is that a [common alien urban pest]? Number one, you didn't tell me them on this planet too."

"Umm... they don't, sir."

"Oh, bollocks."

What does any ship bring with it when arriving in a new world? Contamination. Vermin and disease. Rats in the hold. That's what Mel Gibson had his private little war with.

We know there was contamination, because of the change in demeanour of the animals. Animals in the areas around each crop circle are showing altered mental states, like confusion and aggression, which are often symptoms of infection or disease (ie. rabies). And do we ever see the aliens on the ground exhibit sentience, or any intelligence at all? Do they seem like a race of explorers or conquerors? In fact, why did we ever assume these were the same alien visitors? Probably because they're bipedal, like us.

But let's think about the behaviour of the other aliens, the ones we see in person. They don't use tools, or wear clothes. Despite being found near the sites of crop circles, they make no attempt to communicate, in speech, deed or writing. They stay away from populated (and strategically significant) areas in favour of isolated farmsteads, usually visiting at night. Though they repeatedly clash with the local fauna (dogs, humans), they carry no weapons, but defend themselves with a natural biological adaptation, like a stinger.

Most tellingly, what do they keep trying to get their mitts on? The kids. The first time we see one, the little girl says that it was at the window of her room. When the humans hide in the basement, the aliens try to grab the boy through the grate. When the family emerges and lowers their guard, one tries to make off with the son again. Why? They're scavengers, picking off the sick and the young, fleeing from confrontation with the alphas.

Every modern ship has it's parasites and pests. Even the Death Star had that garbage tentacle thing. These space-raccoons escaped out through the landing gear or waste vents when the real aliens landed to make their pretentious barley murals, and scampered off in to the underbrush. Since then, they've been butting heads with the wildlife, and they're bloody starving by now! Remember that the first close encounter we have is with an alien who was discovered sniffing around in someone's pantry. We're not dealing with Kang and Kodos here.

In "Signs", humanity is in the middle of First Contact, the most important moment in the history of our species. And what do our intergalactic visitors see when they look down from their ships? Humanity losing its collective mind, like a stereotypical 50's housewife; screaming, flapping our skirts, standing on the furniture, beating at household pests with a broom.

Way to make a good impression on the new neighbours, Earth.